Helping your child’s teacher to understand your child

This is a topic on the Parenting Aspergers Blog, and I have to tell you that my heart broke reading the comments. Yes, some were stories of inspiration, but others are stories of absolute horror. Sadly, I could relate to both, and it inspired me to get back to working on this blog. You know there are so many of us out there - parents of mis-understood children... we must reach out to one another and form an alliance. There is strength in numbers, and Lord knows we need strength!

I could relate the mother who said that her son hates the color red. You just know that there are going to be people who think that is just so ridiculous and that the child is just a manipulative brat. So what if he hates red, you can almost hear those who don't get it say. If I had a dollar for everytime someone (including professtionals and my own mother) responded to my explaining something about him by telling me that "everyone has those ____ (fill in blank), or...he just needs to be disciplined, or...you are spoiling him".

Returning to school from Christmas break, I advised his teacher that he was struggling with the transition. "Everyone has a hard time getting back to school after a long break", was her response. Sure they do. I don't dispute that. However, most children can cope with those transitions fairly easily. It is very frustrating to know that you are viewed as over protective, and even perhaps that you are making excuses for your child. Frustrating and infuriating.

Don't get me wrong, I feel fortunate that my son is in an excellent school, and he has had the benefit of amazing and caring teachers. Still, there are times that you just know they don't get it. And I don't blame them for not getting it, but it can be difficult knowing you are seen as the problem.

I participate in a few different parent forums, and learned something interesting from a mother who seemed to be dealing with a very similar situation as many of us are. This is a summary of my conversation with her:

I have learned how to fight for my son. It is not by getting angry (tried that). It is not be rolling your eyes and walking away when you are made out to be an overprotective incompetent parent (tried that too). Getting angry and
overly emotional only solidifies their belief that you are not competent. Instead, praise them. It may sound silly, but it works. Teachers, doctors,behavior specialists, counsellors and other "professionals" are often egomaniacs. They respond very well to praise and you can actually bring them around to your way of thinking - I'm not kidding.

That may sound condesending and highly manipulative, and maybe it is, but when you are dealing with your child's future, you do what you have to do. I treat the professionals as I treat my children, and they respond in much the same way. I praise what is working, and explain why its working, express my gratitude for their special care and consideration - and guess what... they eat it up like candy and come
back for more.

Brilliant isn't it? I am a big believer in the Law of Attraction, and this approach is completely in keeping with the law. Expressing gratitude puts you in alignment with the Universe. I shall endeavor to use this approach. I am in fact grateful for the effort that the people around my son give him. And I am grateful for the times that they do "get it".

The Diagnosis Game

We first noticed something "different" about our son Kory somewhere around his 2nd birthday. At first we weren't concerned. We just thought he was unique, had his own distinct personality, and that just made him all the more perfect in our eyes. My husband and I were both child protection social workers and we each had a child from previous marriages, so we were well versed in child development.

His little quirks were cute, and not really THAT unusual for his age. He HAD to have his "blanky" to sleep with, and other "comfort" toys when awake, and he insisted on specific routines or rituals for doing certain things. Around the age of 3, he started to eliminate certain foods from his diet until he had successfully eliminated the entire fruit and vegetable group. This did cause us concern, but our family doctor assured us that it was just a stage, and although our other children may not have gone through it to the same intensity, it was not abnormal. Well, he has yet to grow out of that stage...

Around that same time, our doctor did notice that our son's speech was not developing normally. He had actually created his own language and taught it to his baby sister, 16 months his junior. The two of them would jabber on to each other, clearly having a back and forth conversation. Our doctor called it "twinese", but we had already named the language "koryese". He was sent for a speech assessment where it was determined that his language development was mildly delayed.

While his speech may have been slow to develop, he demonstrated other areas that he was very well developed. He had a special interest in letters and letter sounds. He learned the letter sounds very early, and was reading before he was 4. In fact, his speech was still not very well developed yet when he could read. He also had an aptitude for numbers and a speical interest in maps very early on.

We were sure we were dealing with Aspergers Syndrome when Kory was about 4 or 5, although he was not experiencing any issues at school - his social development lags were not so evident at that age when children are still expected to be egocentric. In 2nd grade, his teacher approached us with some minor concerns... and that is when the Diagnosis game began...

We shared our suspicions with the teacher and she requested testing... fast forward to today...

Kory is in the 4th grade. He has been assessed and diagnosed with everything but Aspergers Syndrome. His initial assessment stated that he meets all the criteria for AS, but does not display the "cognitive deficits" typically associated with Aspergers. Anyone who has a child with Aspergers knows that there are no typical cognitive deficits - on the contrary, many AS kids are of above average intelligence. The Pediatrician's take was that it is not Aspergers because he displays anxiety... he tells us that anxiety is not found in Aspergers children. Again, we know different - it is VERY common, and is in fact often one of the characteristics! That doctor prescribed anti anxiety drugs and invited us to return for follow up in a month. We did not fill the prescription.

For our purposes, we do not need a diagnosis. We do not need a doctor to tell us what we live with everyday. We have enjoyed considerable success in teaching and managing our son's behavior, and controlling anxiety without medication. For the purpose of obtaining supports in the school system however, a diagnosis is necessary. For the purpose of educating teachers and school staff, a diagnosis is necessary. And so we play... The Diagnosis Game...